SONNY'S BLUES
331
and I listened to the music which seemed to
be
causing the pavement
to shake. "I told him it felt great." The music stopped, the barmaid
paused and watched the juke box until the music began again.
"It did."
All this was carrying me some place I didn't want to go. I
certainly didn't want to know how it felt. It filled everything, the
people, the houses, the music, the dark, quicksilver barmaid, with
menace; and this menace was their reality.
"What's going to happen to
him
now?" I asked again.
"They'll send
him
away some place and they'll
try
to cure
him."
He shook his head. "Maybe he'll even think he's kicked the habit.
Then they'll let
him
loose"-he gestured, throwing his cigarette
into the gutter. "That's
all."
"What do you mean, that's
all?"
But I knew what he meant.
"I
mean,
that's
all."
He turned
his
head and looked at me,
pulling down the corners of his mouth. "Don't you know what I
mean?" he asked, softly.
"How the hell
would
I know what you mean?" I almost
whispered it, I don't know why.
"That's right," he said to the air, "how would
he
know what
I mean?" He turned toward me again, patient and calm, and yet
I somehow felt him shaking, shaking as though he were going to fall
apart. I felt that ice in my guts again, the dread I'd felt all afternoon;
and again I watched the barmaid, moving about the bar, washing
glasses, and singing. "Listen. They'll let him out and then it'll just
start allover again. That's what I mean."
"You mean-they'll let him out. And then he'll just start work–
ing his way back in again. You mean he'll never kick the habit. Is
that what you mean?"
"That's right," he said, cheerfully.
"You
see what I mean."
"Tell me," I said at last, "why does he want to die? He must
want to die, he's killing himself, why does he want to die?"
.
He looked at me in surprise. He licked his lips. "He don't want
to die. He wants to live. Don't nobody want to die, ever."
Then I wanted to ask him- too many things. He could not have
answered, or if he had, I could not have borne the answers, I started
walking. "Well, I guess it's none of my business."
