behavioral health

It’s Time We Have a Talk: Better Ways to Have Difficult Conversations

Tips on how to make a difficult conversation a productive one 

Every now and then, there comes a time when difficult conversations must be had. Maybe a relationship has reached its end, a friend said something offensive, or you have a roommate that has values that are different from your own. Whatever the reason, these conversations are not easy to have, and if not approached delicately, it’s easy for them to go sideways. During a time where stress is high and conversations around race, diversity, and inclusion are more important than ever, It is important to speak up and have your voice heard, but also be respectful of what others bring to the conversation. To help, we reached out to our friends at the Student Conflict Resolution Program, Dean of Students Office, Office of the Ombuds, and more for some tips on how to make a difficult conversation a productive one. 

Mindfully prepare ahead of time

Prepping ahead of time can help avoid conflict and hurt feelings. Don’t feel like you need to map out the conversation word for word, but be mindful about your intent, the setting, and how you’ll go about inviting all parties involved to the table. Some questions to consider are: What is the goal? Where is the best place to have the conversation? How am I inviting everyone to the conversation? Should it be in person, through text, or on zoom? Do they know why we are meeting? Remember to be as transparent as possible. No one likes to be caught off guard.

Stay present and remain calm

This one is important. In order to have a productive conversation, you must give it your undivided attention. If the conversation is happening in person or on Zoom, put your phone away or close out all other apps (if you’re on your computer), giving your attention to random notifications during a conversation will make it seem like you’re not listening. Also, remember to avoid the urge to protect yourself and “win”. This will deter you from having a healthy conversation. If you keep the goal of the discussion in mind, suspend judgement, and speak with your heart, you’ll be able to stay on course. 

Get your message across and let the other party do the same

Be clear about what you need and how you feel. When talking about what bothers you, don’t be afraid to be literal. Here’s a tip from BU’s Student Conflict Resolution Program: Say “I feel [feeling], when you do [X], because, for me, it would be better if [….]. Speaking for yourself and in the first person allows you to be as direct as possible. And, remember not to exaggerate or add judgment. Be aware of what is an opinion and what is a fact. An example of this would be: “I feel angry when you talk about my friends in that way, because, for me, it would be better if you treated them with the same respect they give you.” Be sure not to interrupt or minimize what others’ perspectives may be.

Be an active listener

Being an active listener starts with turning off the world around you. Close the door, shut off your phone, and close your computer. Do whatever you have to do to give the conversation your undivided attention. Give the other people involved in the conversation a chance to tell their uninterrupted side of the story and ask for the same from them. Asking clarifying questions like “I’m not sure I understood fully, can you say it differently?” or “Do I have this right, I think you are trying to say…” can help you get the full story and shows that you are fully listening. 

Emotions may run high, and that’s ok

It takes a lot for someone to even come to the table, let alone talk about what’s bothering them. If the conversation gets too heated, don’t be afraid to ask for a break or to convene at another time. A lot of times, once we “sleep on it” it’s easier to see a solution to the problem at hand. 

If you’re having a conflict with a friend or roommate, and don’t know where to start there are plenty of resources available to you at BU. Check out the links below: